Blast into the rest of this year, bucko!

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If I have to listen to one more person whining about being bored this July 4th, I’m gonna…throw my grandma in the river! And she doesn’t swim that well these days. So, if you want a clear conscience, don’t sit in the chair like a puddle of goo and watch controlled celebratory explosions on television. Get outside! Move, do, experientiate!

It’s going to be ever so easy for you. You won’t even have to come up with ideas yourself. I’m going to give them all to you right here and right now. By the way, I dare you not to watch that Van Halen video link back there. You should be glad that every phrase you write doesn’t remind YOU of a song.

It’s a wonder I get anything done.

Alrighty then…let’s go watch some fireworks!

Here’s a breakdown by area:

JULY 3

* Medford gets a leg up on the competition by blowing things up on July 3 with their Independence Day Celebration family friendly bash in Freedom Park at Union Street and Jones Road. Free mini-flags, kazoos, 3-D fireworks glasses, and beach balls all around. Festivities begin at 6:00 pm. The renowned United States Navy Cruiser Band performs at 7:00 pm. Fireworks begin at dusk. The Mayan calendar ends in 2012.

* Maple Shade, NJ: check out the 7:30 pm concert at Maple Shade High School followed by fireworks at 9:30 pm. Do not drink and bake.

* Mount Holly, NJ: Mill Park Dam hosts a concert at 6:00 pm. Fireworks follow at 9:00 pm. Squirrel care will not be provided.

JULY 4

* Abingdon: the fireworks go off at 9:15 pm, located at the athletic fields of Abingdon Senior and Junior High School. Admission is free. Park at the school. Leave your llamas at home.
* Camden: holy crap – Peter Frampton , sorry folks it’s now Randy Bachman, um, not that he’s not awesome or anything, will bring the musical fireworks to his concert at Cooper River Park in Camden County, NJ. How cool is that? Real fireworks follow his performance from 4:00 to 11:00 pm. Free event.
* Lower Moreland: fireworks at Lower Moreland High School on Red Lion Road begin at 9:00 pm on July 4th. Admission $10 per carload and $2 for walk-ins.
* Philadelphia: Philly marks our nation’s 226th birthday with performances by singer Lauren Hart and Grammy Award-winning artists, the Baha Men. It all starts at 6:00 pm on Ben Franklin Parkway, 20th and Arch streets. Concert and fireworks follow from 8:30 to 11:00 pm. You know you want to go. Give in to the urge.
* Southhampton: concert and fireworks at the Klinger Middle School. Klingons not welcome. The “Sands of Time” band performs at 7:30 pm. Singing of the national anthem and fireworks commence at 9:25 pm. Beginning at 6:00 pm, you can catch any of fifteen free shuttles to the event. Stops are the Southhamptonfire company house at Churchville Road and Knowles Avenue, the Southhampton, Hampton Square, Redwood and Pike Plaza shopping centers on Route 232, and the Davisville Shopping Center at Davisville and Street roads. Admission is $5 for adults and $1 for children under 12. Let me get this straight – there’s a Street Road? Really? I want the name of the city planner responsible for that.

JULY 6

* Evesham: two days late but still an explosive good time – the fireworks display begins at dusk at Savich Field on Main Street. Now that’s a street name I can get behind. Rain is scheduled for July 7th. How the heck are these cities able to schedule rain? That certainly makes civic planning easier.
* Southampton: the fireworks begin at dusk at Memorial Field on Red Lion Road in Vincentown. Rain has been scheduled for July 7th here also, handily, the day after the event.

Maybe packing the whole family into the car and driving somewhere to sit in folding chairs ain’t your box of tea. Maybe you’d rather dump the kids at a random babysitter and take your honey out on the water this July 4th. I’d say to you…that’s a damn good idea, pardner.

I’ve got just the thing for you.

How about Philadelphia Fireworks Dinner Cruises on July 5, 9, and 11 on the Delaware River? Enjoy a Grande Buffett (you know it’s special because of the extra ‘e’ in Grande) and an entertaining floor show (because the boring ones all sold out). Dance, dine, relax, stroll beneath the stars, but don’t fall overboard. It’s likely your screams for help will be lost in the din of fireworks.

Need a spine-tingling view of Philadelphia’s magnifico skyline? Look out the window on your cruise!

You know you want to, now do it! Yeah, yeah, you can even bring the kids if you want to. You don’t really have to drop them off at a random babysitter. Click here for booking information.

The best has been saved for last. Philadelphia celebrates the birth of America from June 28th to July 6th with an almost embarrassing selection of events. Really – there’s got to be something for everyone on this list. If you emerge from the other end still complaining of 4th of July boredom, you’re not even human, man.

Saturday, June 28th

* Go 4th and Learn – kids play instruments at World Café Live (3025 Walnut Street, 11 am to 1 pm)
* Strongman Competition – strong men grunting (Eakins Oval at the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 2 to 6 pm)
* Saturday Night Alive – Grammy nominated choir and movie First Sunday (Great Plaza at Penn’s Landing, 6:00 pm)
* Philly @ the movies: Rocky! The perfect start to this film series. Pack your own popcorn and pick out a spot on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and root for Philly’s favorite son…err…boxer. (26th Street and Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 9:00 pm)

Sunday, June 29th

* Go 4th and Learn – kids listen to stories (Franklin Square, 10 am to noon)
* Strongman Competition – more grunting from big guys (Eakins Oval at the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 2 to 6 pm)
* Philly @ the movies: Happy Feet! All around happy penguins vie for a place in your heart. Seating on the pier by the Battleship New Jersey with the Philadelphia skyline in the background. (62 Battleship Place, Camden, NJ, 9:00 pm)

Monday, June 30

* Go 4th and Learn – helicopters! (City Hall’s Dilworth Plaza, 10 am to noon)
* Philly @ the movies: 12 Monkeys with Bruce Willis. (City Hall’s Dilworth Plaza, 9:00 pm)

Tuesday, July 1

* Go 4th and Learn – kids focus on Ben Franklin. (Montgomery Auditorium, 1901 Vine Street, 10 am to noon)
* Philly @ the movies: The Shawshank Redemption. (Eastern State Penitentiary, 9:00 pm)

Wednesday, July 2

* Go 4th and Learn – storytelling. (Abbosford Community Center, 10 am to noon)
* Philly @ the movies: The Bucket List. (Philadelphia Senior Center, 2:00 pm)
* Cops and Kids: turning the corner. (17th Street and Montgomery Avenue, 3:00 pm)
* Wednesday Night Out – presented by the Philadelphia International Airport. (6:30 to 10:30 pm)

Thursday, July 3

* Go 4th and Learn – kids time travel. (Atwater Kent Museum, 11 am to 1 pm)
* Fiesta on the Parkway – everything Latin. (Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 2 to 8:30 pm)
* The Real Wedding of Benjamin Franklin and Betsy Ross – re-enactors fall in love. (Independence Mall, 5th and Chestnut streets, 8:00 pm)
* POPS on Independence – (Independence Hall, 8:30 pm)
* Philly @ the movies: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. (Northeast Philadelphia Airport, 9:00 pm)

Friday, July 4

* Independence Day Ceremony – (Independence Mall, 10 to 11 am)
* Happy Birthday America – 10,000 tastykakes! (Independence Visitor Center, noon)
* Super Scooper All-You-Can-Eat Ice Cream Festival – (Great Plaza at Penn’s Landing, noon to 6 pm)
* Let Freedom Ring – descendents of Declaration of Independence signers gather. (Liberty Bell Center, 2:00 pm)
* Party on the Parkway – (Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 2 to 7 pm)
* Southwest Airlines July 4th Parade – (26th Street and the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 6 to 8:30 pm)
* Sunoco Sweet Sounds of Liberty Concert and Fireworks (26th Street and the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, 8:30 to 11 pm)

Saturday, July 5th

* Journey to the Center of the Earth – (The Bridge: Cinema de Lux Theatre, 230 S. 40th Street, 10:30 am and 1:00 pm)
* Taste of Philadelphia – (Columbus Boulevard at Chestnut Street, 11 am to 7 pm)
* Supper Scooper All-You-Can-Eat Ice Cream Festival – (Columbus Boulevard at Chestnut Street, noon to 9 pm)
* Waterfront Concert and Festival – (Columbus Boulevard at Chestnut Street, 6:30 to 9:30 pm)

Sunday, July 6

* Taste of Philadelphia – (Columbus Boulevard at Chestnut Street, 11 am to 7 pm)
* Super Scooper All-You-Can-Eat Ice Cream Festival – (Columbus Boulevard at Chestnut Street, noon to 6 pm)

That’s it. My supply of ideas is exhausted. If you can’t find anything you like on this list, I beg of you, go away now and stay there. If you need more information, head on over to the Welcome America! Celebration.

Over and out.

Find more Philadelphia events on our calendar.