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Suspense, fear, saving bucks on animal food at the zoo: Halloween Guide

Lucky! You have stumbled across ThisWeekInPhilly’s Halloween Guide to activities in the Philadelphia area. If Halloween is your favorite time of year or you simply have nothing better to do than while away your precious life reading random topics on the Internet – the spook stops here. If it ain’t on our list, it ain’t worth spittin’ at. When you’re done, pick your favorite. Discuss.

Dead Men DO Tell Tales: A Paranormal Exploration of Laurel Hill Cemetery:
Join South Jersey Ghost Research (SJGR) as they reveal the findings of their Laurel Hill Cemetary investigations, and shed light on the history, equipment, techniques of ghost hunting. No, a trail of Reese’s Pieces does NOT work.

Gravediggers Ball :
Rock the spookiness at the Friends of Laurel Hill’s 4th annual fundraiser. Dinner, dancing, music, silent and live auctions, open bar and cash bar, wear a black tie or costume. Err…not JUST a black tie. It’s not THAT kind of party.

Mr. Malcolm :
Where have the children gone? Damn it! Where have the children gone? Oh, Mr. Malcolm’s Halloween show for kids. Sorry, I sort of flipped out there for a second.

Pumpkin Festival :
How about a real, live pumpkin festival with hayrides, pumpkin decorating, clowns, haunted house, face-painting, scarecrow-making, pony rides, ghost stories, costume content, bake sale, inflatable rides, Halloween bingo, and DJ. Rumors that Ichabod Crane’s kitchen sink will be auctioned off are patently untrue.

All Hallow’s Eve Festival :
Another festival with all the activities that entails. This one adds learning how cider was made from an old-fashioned cider press, and shucking corn. Shucking corn? When were the child labor laws repealed?

Dining with the Dead :
Catered, candlelit BYOB dinner at the Laurel Hill cemetery gatehouse, followed by a group Halloween tour. Watch your step. Ghost poo is everywhere.

Halloween Parade :
I love a parade! Especially when the theme is Halloween and it ends at Mal’s Diner with treats and crafts.

Ghostly Tours :
Family oriented tour of the first floor of the Keith house and woods on that historic property. Meet werewolves, witches, vampires, and voodoo priestesses. WTF?! Who’s family are they talking about!

Halloween Sleepover :
Celebrate strange, weird, creepy stuff in nature with an overnight stay at the Academy of Un-Natural Sciences. Exhibit A – chihuahuas that brush their teeth.

Scarecrow Competition :
Scarecrow artists compete for over $5,000 in cold hard cash prizes. Free admission! No, we won’t keep your kids when it’s over.

Terror Film Festival :
This 3rd annual international event celebrates horror, fantasy, sci-fi, thriller, drama, and screenplays at Philadelphia’s Ethical Society Building. Most horrific movie of all time? I nominate “You don’t Mess With The Zohan.” Holy hell, what was Adam thinking?

Kimmel Center Halloween :
Transformed for Halloween, the Kimmel Center hosts a performance by the only tribute band officially endorsed by the members of ABBA. Now I know the true meaning of fear.

House of Horrors :
Ride a creaky wagon through haunted woods to a graveyard. Get out and wander around until something scares you. Like Roseanne Barr in a bikini on a Jumbotron?

Terror Behind the Walls :
Voted the 6th scariest Haunted House in America last year by Hauntworld Magazine. Staging in a prison an unfair advantage? All I can say is charge that pacemaker ALL the way up before you go.

Pumpkin Smash :
Watch zookeepers feed leftover pumpkins to big horn sheep, barn animals, and elk. Eat the pumpkin, Tina!

Philadelphia Premium Outlets Halloween Spooktacular : Special treats from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, costume contest, safe trick-or-treating at participating stores, and shopping all in one place? I know ONE family that will be there.

First one to attend every single event listed in this guide gets absolutely nothing except our sincere hope that you find a good mental health professional out there somewhere. No matter where you go, remember, lighten up. It’s only Halloween but I like it.

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