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Low budget ghost hunting for the financially impaired: Ghost Hunting

Could anything be better than capturing a live ghost to display on your front porch this Halloween? First you gotta find one. Then you gotta catch it.

It’s time for a ghost hunt. We’ve all got a place in mind, right? Maybe it’s in the backyard behind the oak tree, at a right angle to the azalea bush that is absolutely, without a doubt, oozing with paranormal spectral activity. Don’t go off half-cocked looking for spirits until you have a plan. A good plan preferably. Bad ones seem to end, well, badly for the most part.

Didja know Philadelphia is one of the most haunted cities in the United States? You’ve got to know what you’re doing out there before you jump into a ghost hunt. You need equipment, allies, and technical knowledge so you don’t end up like those silly kids on Blair Witch Project. Wait. That was a witch, not a ghost. Never mind. Bad example.

First you’re going to need a tight-knit group of 4 to 8 individuals who can work together as a team to collect evidence of ghostly activity. Real ghost hunters use high tech stuff like EMF meters, digital thermometers, infrared, thermographic, and night vision cameras, handheld video cameras, digital audio recorders, and computers, but who has $10,000 dollars to run out and buy all that? Not me.

Let me think. There’s got to be a cheaper way to find ghosts. Here’s what you need if you’re a low budget ghost hunter: two-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper, plastic trash bag, scooper, pencil and drawing pad, a dog leash, and an armful of really cheap convenience store snack cakes.

By the way, critics consistently point to a complete lack of scientifically testable and verifiable evidence in favor of the existence of ghosts, but what do you care? You’re going to have a real, live, banshee shrieking captured spirit of the dead on your porch come Halloween Eve, so put that in your non-believing, evidence-requiring pipe and smoke it Mr. Scientist Guy.

Let’s roll.

Got your group of four amigos/amigas? Good. Collect all the items on the second list of equipment and find a haunted spot. Any abandoned hospital, asylum, or sanitarium should suffice. Before anything else, scour the scene with your plastic bag and scooper for scat. You know what I mean, ghost poop. If you find any, quickly corral it with the scooper, deposit it in the trash bag and tie it off tightly. You’ve got a good eye, my friend. Obviously, there are ghosts about. Now you’ve got proof to show the naysayers.

It’s time to lure one close enough to put the dog leash on him. Pour a good-sized puddle of Dr. Pepper on the floor. Crumble several snack cakes in it. Stir until you’ve got a nice mess on your hands. Arrange your team members in a circle about ten feet from the bait. Be sure to leave enough room for the ghost to squeeze past. Once he’s on the bait and eating well, have your team artist use the pad and pencil to sketch a quick drawing. It’s a heck of a lot cheaper than a camera and will function as incontrovertible evidence of your find. By the time the drawing is complete, hopefully your ghost will be focused on the sugar rush and not notice that the team is on their feet and ready to pounce.

Well, go ahead, already. Pounce. What are you waiting for? This is the easy part. Oh, for crying out loud, give me the leash you little tiny sissy baby. Ouch! There’s your ghost pretty as you please all ready to go like a puppy on a walk.

In case you’re not quite convinced of the rational low-budget ghost hunting method I’ve just given you, and feel the need to experiment with another school of thought, try the Wikipedia entry here.

Need a haunted place in Philadelphia? Here are a few.

City Tavern (www.citytavern.com)
A former waiter, unintended victim of a barroom duel, is still always on the job. Look for a specter in a bloodied white shirt falling to the floor and then disappearing. If you don’t see it at first, drink more beer.

Eastern State Penitentiary (www.easternstate.org)
Cripes! It’s a prison. Of course there are ghosts.

Cresheim Cottage Cafe (www.cresheimcottage.com/history.html)
Built in 1748. Ask to be seated in Emily’s room. ‘Nuff said.

St. Peters Church Cemetary (www.stpetersphila.org/docs/history.html)
Perhaps the city’s most haunted spot. Keep your eyes peeled for restless Native American chiefs roaming the grounds, or horse-drawn carriages charging through the center of the graveyard and into the church.

***DISCLAIMER***
Obviously we, the fine folks at ThisWeekInPhilly.com, do not condone or even remotely suggest you make a sugar mess at any of the establishments listed above. To do so will open you to almost certain criminal penalties and maybe even jail time. Don’t be an idiot. The suggested method for budget ghost hunting was intended ONLY for use in your own backyard.

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